The Ugly Ones
October 7th, 2011
In case you weren’t aware, Sideshow’s The Ugly One begins previews this weekend. No, the play is not a prequel to nor loosely based upon Ugly Betty, nor is it an unfunny adaptation of The Elephant Man. It is about the ugliest human being on earth. It is a really funny play.
That’s all well and good. But personally, nothing cracks me up more than ugly animals. I know, I know, they can’t help it, they probably have no concept of beauty, and sometimes, frankly, they’re really cute. Sometimes ugly animals are downright adorable.
Not these animals. I mean, get a load of this guy:
That, friends, is a Naked Mole Rat. He is also the living manifestation of your nightmares. He is why you think twice about putting your hand somewhere it doesn’t belong, and he is under your bed right now. Or is that a she? That’s too many nipples for a dude. That’s upsetting. How about this:
Hahahaha, oh man. That is a living manifestation of my hangover. This guy is called a Soft-Shell Turtle. I mean… What a bummer. A turtle with no shell? Sadness.
This one’s just weird:
It’s called a Blobfish. Who knew. My guess would have been the Fat Bald Uncle With Mouth Herpes fish. He is a bottom dwelling fish who has no real friends and has the lowest self-esteem in the deep blue sea. Aw.
Then there’s this poor guy:
This animal is of a course a—you guessed it—a Baird Tapir… Wait, what? I don’t know either. I mean… Aside from the nose being all, ya know, left, he’s terribly unphotogenic. Get with it, dude. And brush those teeth. And… I dunno. Get with it.
Now, I’m sorry to do this to you, but:
AHHHHH WHAT IS THAT THING HONEY GET IN HERE KILL IT! This rat/bat/troll/hellhound is actually called—and I’m not making this up—an Aye Aye. The Aye Aye are found in Madagascar, and are actually on the endangered species list because they are frequently killed on the spot because seeing one is seen as a bad omen. That’s sad. But also entirely understandable.
Finally, I give you:
Ladies and gentlemen: allow me to introduce Miss Ellie, the 2009 World’s Ugliest Dog. She is a Chinese Crested Dog, and she is one among that breed who have won the WUD award 9 years in a row. I think for good reasons… They’re pimpled, hairless-ish, and their tongues stick out like idiots. Miss Ellie lived to the ripe old age of 17 (2,789 in people years). Bless her heart. At least she got a blue ribbon.
Matt













